Change is hard. I think it's pretty clear from the other posts on my blog that as much as I like change, I don't because it's challenging. Change requires you to form new relationships, see new places, do new activities which is all exciting--yet it's still tough.
I struggle with being at home without a job.
I get antsy when I'm not working because I don't want to commit to anything long-term, even the idea of being at home.
I struggle with the idea of being at work.
The thought of changing my unscheduled life is kind of tough too. I feel like I've grown up in a generation of always trying to get the best of everything because anything to the contrary is a compromise. So even though I am ecstatic about getting a new job where I'll feel engaged because I'm duly supporting a cause while earning a living, I feel conflicted about letting go of my flexible life.
So why am I afraid of committing my life to a job like every other normal person out there?
This year, I have purposefully made decisions to initiate change in my life. I started learning a new skill this year by enrolling for horseback riding lessons. I want to increase my confidence in using humour in everyday situations so I enrolled for a stand-up comedy class. That's definitely one that's outside the comfort zone.
I suppose I feel like I've been burnt out and used by old employers. I was a fresh new face--eager to please and willing to do anything to show I was important to the organization. Now, conflict arises for me because I know I can be important to an organization, but I'm afraid of being used.
But somewhere deep inside I want to throw myself into work. I want to work hard and do a good job. I want to be important again, not caught up in employment ambiguity. I want to find definition through working for a cause. And a small part of it might be about not wanting to fall into female stereotypes of days gone by. I want to work, I want to do my part, I want to be independent, and I want to be a strong woman.
1 comment:
Ali,
I have spend most of my life raising mt children, and in doing that I felt I was missing out. I watched the hustle and bussle of people around me while I washed countless bottles and baby sleepers. I felt insecure in my position as a Mom, just another woman barefoot, living in sweat pants and sweeping cheerio's off the floor day after day. I felt ineffectual in my very existance. As time passed, and they kids grew I craved for more and I worked hard to be a strong independant woman. I achieved much of that, it feed my ego, stroked my confidence and made me feel effectual. In truth that soon becomes short lived, you soon feel life is passing you bye, quality time with relationships becomes limited and your bonds with others become based on time limits and restrictions. Once again, I felt lost and insecure of my direction. Today, I know two very important things, relationships and quality time with those you love and things you love doing make you strong. Working in a time shackle of expectations and obligations to those that may never bring you soup when your having a bad day is like grocery shopping, it feeds your soul nothing for the long haul but fills your fridge only momentarily. Be who you are, love the fact that your are unique in your needs and wants from the world because noone/no job/ no career/ will ever define you, as unique as you are. And as those that love you see you. All the Best in enbracing and loving your own complexities, in truth they are your best talents and gifts.
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