Change is hard. I think it's pretty clear from the other posts on my blog that as much as I like change, I don't because it's challenging. Change requires you to form new relationships, see new places, do new activities which is all exciting--yet it's still tough.
I struggle with being at home without a job.
I get antsy when I'm not working because I don't want to commit to anything long-term, even the idea of being at home.
I struggle with the idea of being at work.
The thought of changing my unscheduled life is kind of tough too. I feel like I've grown up in a generation of always trying to get the best of everything because anything to the contrary is a compromise. So even though I am ecstatic about getting a new job where I'll feel engaged because I'm duly supporting a cause while earning a living, I feel conflicted about letting go of my flexible life.
So why am I afraid of committing my life to a job like every other normal person out there?
This year, I have purposefully made decisions to initiate change in my life. I started learning a new skill this year by enrolling for horseback riding lessons. I want to increase my confidence in using humour in everyday situations so I enrolled for a stand-up comedy class. That's definitely one that's outside the comfort zone.
I suppose I feel like I've been burnt out and used by old employers. I was a fresh new face--eager to please and willing to do anything to show I was important to the organization. Now, conflict arises for me because I know I can be important to an organization, but I'm afraid of being used.
But somewhere deep inside I want to throw myself into work. I want to work hard and do a good job. I want to be important again, not caught up in employment ambiguity. I want to find definition through working for a cause. And a small part of it might be about not wanting to fall into female stereotypes of days gone by. I want to work, I want to do my part, I want to be independent, and I want to be a strong woman.